A happy new year to you too

APPALLED BY HIS MASTER’S INSINCERITY, LADDOO WONDERS WHAT DO HUMANS MEAN WHEN THEY SAY SOMETHING

Happy New Year,” my dog Laddoo, the Labrador greeted me. “Oh, thanks,” I said. Laddoo looked at me and said: “You don’t even know how to reply to a greeting.” “I didn’t know that I could wish a ‘Happy New Year’ to cats and dogs….I am sorry, I mean pets. I thought you follow the Chinese calendar? Is it your New Year too?" I asked. He stared at me for a long time and said: “No, we don’t celebrate the arrival of the New Year, we celebrate survival of the old year. But how can you be so uncivilised? When someone greets you, you should say ‘Happy New Year to you too’. Not like lazy people who say, ‘same to you’. It sounds like ‘tit for tat’.” “You are taking it too seriously. People say Happy New Year more out of habit than anything. Nobody really means it.” “What? You don’t really mean it when you wish your friends a Happy New Year?” “I mean, I do mean it but not the way you think. You are taking it literally,” I said. “Ok, tell me how should I take it?’ He mocked. “It’s like one of those things….like when we say to friends phir milenge that doesn’t mean the very next day we run to each other to meet. If we go on meaning what we say, life will be too complicated. The society will be in a permanent chaos.” “Then don’t wish Happy New Year or promise to meet again if you don’t intend to.” “People will think I am angry with them. It’s a cultural thing to do. It helps us to remain civilised,” I explained. “Even after living with you for so many years, I have not really understood you. Why do you say what you don’t mean and not say what you mean?” He asked. “Do you think it is easy? If people start speaking their mind, you will see friends fighting and tearing each other’s shirt on the streets. You see, educated people don’t behave like that.” “My grand father, may god bless his soul, used to tell me that education is not only about how to count but what counts.” Laddoo said. “Very true. Education also teaches you how to read between the lines,” I said wiping my glasses with my kurta. Laddoo looked at me and shook his head. I couldn’t make out if it was in despair, disbelief or disgust. He asked. “Ok, tell me, if you say Happy New Year to one of your relatives what would you mean?” “I would mean that, I hope this New Year you would stop gossiping behind my back and also not indulge in family politics.” “Then say it clearly, why beat around the bush?” he asked. “I can’t, Laddoo, even if I want to. The greeting card companies have not yet started printing such messages on their cards.” “But you can always write it down. There is enough space on the greeting cards.” “A hand writing will be too obvious, even politician don’t do that.” “How do the politicians greet? Do they go to each other’s house in helicopters and give greeting cards?” “They would love to do that but not many have helipads. They send greetings on their letter-heads.” “Do you think Shibu Soren will send New Year greetings to Sonia Gandhi?” Laddoo asked. “Yes. He will also send a greeting card to her on Sankranti and Sarhul but I don’t think he will get any reply. Soren forgets to put sufficient postage stamps on the envelope and Sonia Gandhi is tired of paying a fine every time she receives a card from him.” “How about Nitish Kumar? Do you think he will wish a happy New Year to Rabri Devi?” “I doubt it. He will wait to receive a card from her and then tell everyone that he doesn't have her address. 1, Anne Marg is a wrong home address for her,” I explained. “I am really surprised the way you people relate to each other. We are not like you,” Laddoo said. “When we bark, we bark and when we bite, we bite. Let me tell you this, my grand father, may god bless his soul, also used to say that, your yes should be yes and no, a no. Nothing more and nothing less.” “Laddoo, it will be good for you if don’t try to understand our lifestyle. You won’t. I am glad that you don’t have to send New Year greeting cards to anyone,” I said. Laddoo thought for a moment and said: “I thought it was a cultural thing to do so I gave a card to the Pomeranian living with the Mukherjees. But now after listening to you, I want to go to his house,” he got up. “But why? It’s impolite to go to your friends’ houses asking for a greeting card in return,” I said. “I am not like you who counts the number of friends you have by the number of greeting cards you receive,” He growled and added: “I want to tell him that I really mean what I wrote in the card. Every word of it.” “And what did you write?” “I wrote that ‘May your New Year be happy and safe if you don’t invade my territory and stop doing so much chamchagiri to your masters. It gives a bad name to all of us’.” Laddoo said and vanished out of the door.